Honesty

I really don't know what this post is going to be about, I just know I have lots of conflicting emotions that are driving me crazy. First, I feel like I don't know how to be a parent, but maybe that feelings a good thing, since it means I don't think I'm a know-it-all and am always trying to find the way that's best for our family.

Then, I'm terrified of homeschooling, I mean, it's not that I don't think I'm smart enough, it's more that I feel completely unqualified. I found a curriculum I'm excited to try though. It's through a Christian school, and they do all the grading (yay) and keep all the records, which is good, because I want to make sure my kids have the best options at their fingertips. I have no transcripts from my highschool years because no records were kept. My brother doesn't either, which has been causing all kinds of trouble trying to get into the Navy. I don't want to do that to my kids, I love them too much. I also want to make sure they have friends and are allowed to be themselves, not someone they're "supposed" to be in order to "fit the mold" and not offend anyone. I'm not saying we're gonna go be rude, just ourselves, and if people don't like that, I don't think that's my problem. Growing up, everyones reactions were our responsibilities, and I don't think that's healthy at all.

I've been discovering more of who I actually am over the past month or so. I'm still a looonnnnggg way off, but slowly but surely, I'm getting there. My desire is to be the best mom I can to my girls, and I know I have long way to go to get there. I have loads of stuff to work through and purge, if you will, but with God's help, I'm going to make it.

Anyway, I sometimes wonder if putting the kids in school is the better option? I mean, I firmly believe, that it's not the type or method of schooling, but the level of parental involvement, that ensures academic success. I really don't know if I can take off the "mom" hat to be teacher, then remove the teacher one to be mom again. And really, I'd rather be mom than teacher, and if I can't set one aside to be the other, I'd rather stay mom.

Then, added to all that, is the fact that I still don't know when or where we're moving yet. The orders haven't been cut, so we're sitting here, packing, unsure of everything. It gets tiring after a while.

And then, Natalia has no real "schedule", it's like, each day is so different, her eating and napping has no rythym, it just happens when it happens, which makes me really dread trying to set a schedule for schooling. Some nights, Natalia's asleep by nine, other nights she's just getting started at nine and not asleep until around midnight. And Leilani's usually up by 7:30, so I'm exhausted, too. And I really didn't mean to turn this into a complaining post, I'm just confused and, I dunno, lost feeling? I can't see the forest for the trees at the moment. And then, to top it off, the landlord wants to start showing the apartment, so what am I supposed to do while that's going on? Take the girls and go where? All this has sort of added up to some post-partum depression, or maybe it's amplified because of it. Either way, I rather feel like I'm drowning at times. Well, most of the time, if I'm honest. Growing up, we used to watch this movie, called Psalty the Singing Songbook in which they went on a camping adventure, and all the kids were complaining they'd never make it to the top of the mountain. Psalty told them "you don't have to ask for the strength to get the top of the mountain, you just need to ask God for the strength for the next step" (I paraphrased), most of the time, that's all I can do, is try to take the next step. Be the best I can in the moment, knowing I'm doing my best, and not let myself beat myself up for anything. It's hard. It's not fun. But it's reality. It's what I'm dealing with on a daily basis. And if it weren't for God, and my sister-in-law, Sophie, I don't think I'd be able to make it. She's been a fantastic support, listening, being understanding, but mostly, just being there! If I can do for someone what she's doing for me, I'll feel it's been worth it.

It's not that I don't love my life, I do, we do all kinds of fun things, have fun times, and love each other. Leilani's such a beautiful little person, kind, caring, loving, gentle, sensitive, driven, intelligent, knows what she wants and will do whatever to get it; all of these are such good qualities, but sometimes make it difficult to parent. I want to nurture all of these qualities, I want her to grow into a wonderful adult, with all these qualities. But sometimes, I feel ill-equipped to deal with her spiritedness. She loves attention, too, which sometimes is difficult because of having a new baby, who also loves attention. I love both my girls, but really, I'd just like to take a bath some evening. The nighttime schedules, though, just don't cooperate. Natalia eats more at night than during the day, and during the day doesn't want to be set down. And if Leilani's awake when I take a bath, she invents a hundred reasons to NEED to come in there. Okay, that was a bit pathetic, wasn't it? At least I can watch movies while Leilani's in her bedroom and I'm trying to put Natalia to sleep, see, I can be positive *grin*. And I can get lots of reading done.

Okay, I'm done, I've probably put you in a rather down-spirited mood by now, too. The thing is, I don't always feel down, and I don't always feel sad or blue. I love storing the beautiful memories of my girls, of Natalia's little grins, funny faces (a couple nights ago, she sneezed and I said "bless you", she jumped nearly out of her skin and gave me a very quizzical look, and I dissolved into giggles) and little sounds - she's already quite the talker. And Leilani, she's so sweet to Natalia, loves holding her, and is also good at entertaining herself, and a great help. I'm really blessed in my two little girls, and I thank God for them.