I know this is an old post from my previous blog back in March, but sometimes I like to revisit the past, remember where I was and see where I'm going
Warning: a bit rambly and introspective :)
I've been feeling guilty lately and have been unable to figure out why. After reading another blog, it hit me - I've been feeling guilt because of the way I was raised, that certain things were "wrong" just because they were. Such as The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, and other fantasy genre books. Also, I've been feeling guilty over the way I'm raising Leilani, and plan to raise Natalia. Now, there really is nothing wrong with the way I'm raising my child, just guilt because it's not the way I was raised so therefore it's "wrong". It's a misplaced guilt, since I'm doing nothing wrong. After all, reading Narnia to my daugher is just fine, since I'm the one reading it to her, answering all her questions and explaining things as we go. And I do think it's helping her understand God and the sacrifice He made for us. I've explained that Aslan is a picture of Jesus and the White Witch is a picture of satan. There's clear dilineation between good and evil, right and wrong. But, growing up, I was never allowed to read Narnia since it had magic, witches, fairy tale creatures and talking animals. Consequently, I've felt like a "bad mom" reading this to my four-year-old. I've also felt a bit guilty because I've let my daughter watch things my mother never would have approved of, as not being "age-appropriate". However, my daughter is rather mature, very curious, and capable of not only understanding but not being "scared" by these movies. (the movie I'm specifically thinking of here is Jesus:He Lived Among Us by Voice of the Martyrs.) The movie is animated, but deals directly with the bloodiness that surrounded Jesus' birth (ie, Herod ordered all boys 2 yrs and under killed to try to keep Jesus from taking his throne) all the way to Jesus being betrayed by Judas Iscariot (and him subsequently taking his life), the movie shows Peter cutting off the guards ear and Jesus putting it back on and healing it. Jesus is shown being beaten (it's not terribly bloody, but still there) and the crown of thorns being placed upon His head. Then the nails are shown being driven into His hand and feet. My daughter has not only NOT had nightmares from this, but I think her understanding of Jesus' life and sacrifice for our sins is heightened. Why I feel guilty about this I don't know, well, maybe I do. After all, growing up I was never allowed to watch or read things like this, therefore, by letting my daughter do so I'm being a "bad" parent, even though I'm not. Sorry for the rambling nature of this post, but I hope that it can help someone else who may be dealing with something similar :)
I later followed that post with this one:
As I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep since I can't get comfortable, thoughts started running through my head. Thoughts about God and living a truly Christian life. After all, if I believe every word in the Bible is true, why am I not living like it? Why do I sometimes ignore parts of His Word? If I truly believe the entire Bible is the inspired Word of God, how can I say that the Law is no longer relevant (not that I've said it in words, but in actions)? If I believe things in the Bible to be literal, how can I just, in a way, ignore whole books of it? After all, Jesus didn't come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it (IE, He is the only One capable of keeping every aspect of it, that's why He is our sacrificial Lamb). After a lot of soul searching last night, I came to the conclusion that if I want to truly "walk the walk" I need to make sure that I'm taking the WHOLE of God's Word! Not just "here and there" but ALL of it!!! Obviously, I shouldn't become so focused on the Law that I lose sight of the mercy and grace that God extends to us (but nor should I become so focused on His mercy and grace that I lose sight of the Law, without the Law, we have no way of knowing that we have sinned!). His mercy and grace are apparent throughout all of Scripture, starting in the Garden of Eden when He killed the animal as a sacrifice to cover Adam and Eve's sin. Also, I must hate sin, because God is a Holy God and cannot look upon sin. This is why He gave us the Law, to show His Holiness and our need for Him. I need to make sure that when Leilani misbehaves I don't treat it lightly, but remind her that this is the reason Jesus had to come to earth to die - I do generally try to do this, but as I get tired, I sometimes let it slip, something I really cannot afford to do. God treats ALL sin as terrible, if I want my daughter to grow up to love, trust and obey God, I have to train her from NOW so that she sees WHO God is, HOW God is and desires to belong to Him. If I don't truly walk in the way of God, how can I expect her to? How can I expect her to love, trust and obey God if I'm not fully doing so? How can I hold her to a standard of behaviour when I'm not holding myself to that standard? Lately, I've not been living fully for God, but for self. I've not been as worried about Leilani's eternal soul, but about temporal comforts, which have NO lasting value. Oh, I've "gone through the motions" and everything looked good on the outside, but inside, I was far from God. Last night, He showed me this. Last night, as I couldn't sleep, I prayed. I cried out to God to help me come back to Him. God truly answers prayers!!! He forgives!!! And, He gives second (and third, fourth, fifth, etc) chances!!! He is far more merciful than I deserve, far better to me than I deserve! After all, He saved me from my sins and the second death! He gives me life here and now, that I might glorify Him. He's given me a precious trust (my daughter) to raise up for Him, which I can ONLY do with His help! I need to fully trust God, rely on Him and live ONLY for Him!
Anyway, I hope, that by revisiting the past, someone can benefit. I know it often pulls me up short and gets me back on track!
God Bless!
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