Why I Don't Believe

This is a post I wrote over a year ago and never published, because I wasn't quite ready to "out" myself. Now, a year later, I'm still not sure if I'm ready, but, here goes...

So, I’ve been doing a lot of studying and thinking lately. The main thought I’ve had was this: “Had I been born in to any other time or culture, my beliefs would have been completely different, and I’d have been completely convinced that religion was the only true one, the only way to god(s/esses)” When that thought formed fully, I was left with a few choices – change my beliefs, decide to blindly follow what I’d always been taught, or start questioning everything. Being who I am, naturally I chose the questioning.

I realized that if I was going to scoff at the miracle claims of all the other religions, I’d have to subject Christianity to the same scoffing. There’s absolutely no way to claim that any of them are true, and if you insist one of them is true, then you have no basis for saying a different one is false. You’ve opened Pandora’s Box, so to speak.

Then, as I was studying, I saw that nearly every miracle in the bible was in other religions, and usually the other religions miracle claim predated the claims in the bible. Nearly every great prophet was virgin born, most of them were crucified or otherwise killed for the sins or good of all, a lot of them descended in to hell, and all of them rose again, most of the then ascended in to heaven, where they sit at the right hand of the head god (who was also their father) and judge humans. Oh, and all these other stories? They predate the Jesus story by a few centuries. And one other interesting tidbit, most of the virgins’ names were some form of Mary.

That left me with one option – non-belief. It also meant I needed to study real science – you know, the Big Bang and evolution. Growing up, I was only taught the straw man arguments against both theories. Now that I have rejected all myths and superstitions, all creation myths and any help from a supernatural being, I get to see how strong, overwhelming, really, the evidence for the big bang and evolution really are.

After that, I decided I was going to read the bible from beginning to end. I have to say, God is a particularly nasty character. Everyone (including god himself) say’s god is just and merciful. But was it just or merciful to like Abel’s sacrifice better than Cain’s? Cain brought the firstfruits, just like god said. So basically, god caused the jealousy between Cain and Abel, ultimately leading the Abel’s murder (supposing that any of the account is factual). Also, that whole Eve and the forbidden fruit story? Besides having parallels in every other religion (myths that predate the Hebrew myth), why would god give a human free will, curiosity, and a rational brain, tell them that this tree will make then know good and evil and then forbid them to eat it? It’s like he wanted little robots instead of people who are curious about the world around them, people who want to know, to understand. If we were created in god’s image, why are we being punished for being like him? For questioning, for wanting to know. Supposing god to be like us, he wants to know, he wants to understand. And supposing us to be created like him, we’re just being like him in questioning. Therefore, it follows that we shouldn’t be punished for it. Also, how is it JUST for people who didn’t commit that first “sin” to be punished for it? If one of your kids breaks something, you don’t punish the other kid. Or that kids kid. But god claims he does (punishing down to the third and fourth generation)…how, I ask you, is that merciful? Or even just???

Then, as you get further in to the bible, god killed EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON. simply because they were exercising their free will - WHICH HE GAVE THEM. Well, everyone but Noah and his family. Oh, and the animals. There’s nothing loving, kind or merciful about that. It’s horrific. Babies, children, pregnant women, men, women, everyone. Drowned.

Later, god says “Jacob I loved and Esau I hated.” Why? Definitely not because of anything either one did. Just because, arbitrarily. It’s like he rolled a dice and went with whatever came up. And then the plagues in Egypt – does no one else see the gross injustice in punishing pharaoh and all his people because god hardened pharaohs heart just so he (god) could show off? Because that’s what it boils down to. God even said “I will harden pharaohs heart” and then he said “I will kill you livestock/firstborn sons because you have hardened your heart” According to this story, pharaoh didn’t even have a choice about hardening his heart or not! And then he was punished for doing exactly what god wanted!!!

Then, the genocide. OH, the genocide. It’s truly horrific, barbaric. Everyone in the circles I grew up in seemed to blame the natives of the land for fighting against the Israelites, when in reality, the Israelites (according to and supposing the biblical accounts to be true) came in and just invaded and started killing literally everyone. Another thing that has always bugged me, and I’m finally allowing myself to think and say, is that whole thing with Acsah and taking some plunder. God had told the Israelites not to take anything for themselves, but to give it all to god and the tabernacle. But Acsah took some for himself and hid it in his tent. God got mad so started killing random Israelites, even though they hadn’t done anything wrong. Moses pleaded with god to stop and god did and exposed who had taken the spoils. Then, he told everyone to step away from Acsah and his tents, then the earth opened up and swallowed the WHOLE family. Even though the women and children hadn’t gone to war, and none of Acsah’s people had stolen anything, the entire family got punished. That story has always bothered me. So did the one with the golden calf and the Levites rushing over to help kill their fellow Israelites. Then they got rewarded with the priesthood and working in the temple for their eagerness to kill.

I guess what I’m trying to say with this little post, is that I don’t understand how anyone can say god is loving. I know, I know, the New Testament does away with the Old Testament. Only it doesn’t. Jesus himself is purported to have said that he “did not come to do away with the Law, but to fulfill it. As long as heaven and earth remain, not one jot or tittle shall pass away”. Which is basically saying Christians are still supposed to be following Old Testament Law. So those crazy people you scoff at? The ones calling for the death penalty for rebellious teenagers? Yeah, they’re just following the bible literally. Also, Jesus was the one who brought up the whole hell issue. And that is one place where the punishment definitely does NOT fit the crime. Is gods ego so fragile and tiny that he has to punish people by burning them for all eternity just because they used their intellect and followed the evidence wherever it led, and they didn’t grovel at his feet and worship him? .

And now to touch briefly on the morality issue. Biblical morals aren’t that great. Genocide. Polygamy. Rape. Murder. Sure, there are a few good things (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you), but for the most part, in our day to day lives, we’re not following biblical laws so much as cultural morals. All of us, whether we want to admit it or not. Humanist morals are more relative, sure. But that’s because we look at the situation and try to figure out what the best thing for the most people is. What’s best for humanity in general? What causes the least amount of suffering? What causes the greatest happiness and ease? And we try to go from there. We don’t think there’s only one way to live, only one way to be right. Because there isn’t. Everyone, and every situation, is different. Different actions are called for in different situations. There’s no “one size fits all” solution to anything. Life is far too complicated for that. But that’s part of what makes life so beautiful. So incredibly precious. There didn’t have to be any life at all, but there is. The odds of you being here were pretty slim. Yet here you are. Living, breathing, reading, thinking, reveling in the beauty around you. Life is so fleeting, blink and you’ll miss it. Knowing that this life is all there is, that I’m around for such a short time, makes life so much more precious, each moment is to be cherished. Every second is so important. Knowing that this is all I have, it makes me want to be a better mom; a better, kinder person; take better care of our precious, life-giving earth; take good care of our animal cousins; and leave this world a better place for me having been in it.

I know most people won’t agree with me on anything I’ve written, and that’s OK. All I want, is for you to accept my story, accept me for who I am and what I (don’t) believe, and please, no proselytizing. Remember, I grew up in all that, I know most of the tricks and jargon, and you’re not going to change my mind. Believe me, I’ve read and studied BOTH sides. I’m not the type of person to make any decision lightly. I study everything thoroughly before deciding what to do. It’s just how I’m wired, so I’ve definitely done my homework on these issues. And, thank you for reading this incredibly long post and sticking with me to the end 

School Choices

When I put Leilani in school, I knew that we'd keep evaluating how it was working for us. Each year, I plan on seeing how our choices are working and adjusting so we can keep growing, learning, and making the best choices we can.

With that in mind, I'm not sure if public school is our best choice anymore. With Leilani being, well, Leilani, I think she'll learn better with one-on-one teaching, lots of hands-on learning, and being able to do her seatwork at her own pace. She also needs lots of breaks and snacks throughout the day. She eats a very little bit at a time, so gets hungry really often. She also likes - needs - to move a lot so she can concentrate to get her work done. She can't just sit down and do it.

What I'm trying to say is, the reason I'm planning on homeschooling her for first grade is for academic reasons, to help her learn at her own pace, help her be the best she can be. There's also the issue that every state has different standards, so if she were to stay in the school system, by the time she graduated she could have many gaps because of being in different states.

I've spent months researching, reading, and studying on the subject. Picking peoples' minds to get ideas, help, and advice.

After all that time and research, I've decided to use the Classical Education model. It's very hands-on in the younger grades, incredibly comprehensive, uses real books, and by the time Leilani graduates from high school, she'll have gone through the history of the world three times. She'll also do two research papers and two thesis papers in high school. I'm going to be doing lots of lesson planning, but fortunately I find that rather fun. I got most of my books already and I've started the planning. It's probably going to be a month long process. By the time the girls graduate, they'll have a far better grasp of grammar than I do, and a better grasp of science and history. Of course, I'll be learning right along with them *smile*. I'm also going to be keeping meticulous records.

It took me a long time to come to this decision.

I looked at the Charlotte Mason method - I love that it uses real books and art studies, but I don't have the inclination to put that much time into creating a curriculum.

I looked at Sonlight, too. After the Classical Education, this was my next choice. It is, however, very cost prohibitive. What I loved about it was that it came with everything - all the books, the stuff for experiments, etc - that we would need for the entire year. And it looked like a lot of fun.

I looked at textbooks and lifepacs, but I don't like how they don't have real books, but only excerpts for the reading. It's a bit more cost-effective, true, but not as much fun. And I believe that learning ought to be fun, to foster a lifelong love of learning. It's also no where near as academically focused.

And that's my goal - I want Leilani well-educated, but I also want her to LOVE learning. To want to keep learning all her life, because it's impossible to learn everything there is to know in 12 years of school. Well, actually, it's impossible to ever learn everything there is to learn, but if you don't love learning, you won't want to keep learning, growing your mind, expanding your knowledge. And that is my goal for my girls.

And that is why I've decided on the Classical Education model - it's comprehensive, systematic and looks like it will foster a love of learning. Leilani has been begging me to homeschool her, and with all our moving - and at the most random times of the year - it seems like the best option for us right now. We'll definitely be anything but cloistered. I plan on us being involved in whatever homeschool group is near us, being involved with Girl Scouts and whatever else catches our fancy. It's going to be a fun and interesting journey, and I can't wait to see where we are at the time next year!

Post-Partum Depression

I've been suffering from Post-Partum Depression (PPD) since Natalia was born. Actually, looking back, I think it started before Natalia was born, making it Peri-Natal Depression, but that's far less known than PPD.

Every day is a struggle. Most days, if I've made dinner, done dishes, and kept the girls emotionally fulfilled (for the most part) I count it as a success.

Some days I can't even do that.

I've started using paper plates because I just can't keep up with the dishes.

I do keep the living room vacuumed because Natalia eats in the living room and is constantly dropping food on the floor, picking it up and eating it. So naturally, I want the floor to be clean.

I try to workout (and the other day had a great one!), but most of the time it's of the ten minute variety (better than nothing though, right?)

I make sure we have lots of variety in our diet, so I'm getting the nutrients I need. I add flax seed to my smoothies so I'm getting essential Omega-3's, which are supposed to help with depression.

But it just doesn't seem to be enough. I can't keep up with the housework. I can't keep up with dishes.

Then on top of it all, I have to make doctor's appointments (have you ever tried that with ZERO motivation?), get Leilani tested for Sensory Processing Disorder, make decisions about vaccinations, get Leilani to school, make her lunch, go grocery shopping - really, not that much to do, I just have ZERO motivation to do it.

But, and I count this as a success every day, I do it. I get Leilani to school. I make her lunch. I make appointments and decisions. I go grocery shopping. I make dinner (most nights). And some days, I don't do dishes because I only have so much energy and the energy I do have I decide would be better spent on my girls.

Sometimes, it feels like I'm at the bottom of a huge hole, so deep I can't see the top. I am trying. I'm going to talk to my doctor about medication, because exercise and diet aren't pulling me out. Just haveing a positive attitude just doesn't work, I can't shake this on my own. I think I have to get medication. I, as you've probably figured out, am not crazy about meds, but I know they have their place and can be very important and helpful.

I will continue, and I will defeat this. Whatever I need to do for my kids, so I can be here fully, I will do. If that means medication to give me the help I need to start up out of the hole, then that's what I'll do.

Resolutions

I'm doing something I've never done before - making some New Years Resolutions. I'm keeping it fairly simple, so I don't overload myself, and I'm putting them up here to keep myself accountable.

-I'm going to write every day, so that by the end of the year, I'll have a novel finished.

-I'm going to put more color into out diet and move towards a high-raw diet (50% or more food consumed is raw)

-I'm going to exercise three times a week (at least)

And that's it. Every month I'll let you know how I'm doing, and at the end of the year, we'll see how well I did :)

Advent: Day 10. AKA The Day From Hell

I woke up wth a migraine, for the fifth day in a row. But, after a tall glass of chocolate soy milk and some tylenol (I don't dare take anything harder since I'm nursing), the headache seemed to be subsiding. Then, on the way to school, things took a turn for the worse. The truck started behaving badly. I had the pedal FLOORED and barely made thirty miles-per-hour. Once we got to school, I was afraid to turn the engine off, but Leilani needed me to take her in, and I was hoping that if I turned it off, it would work better after I turned it back on. Only, it didn't turn back on. So I called Jeremy. He got there after what felt like FOREVER! We ran to the auto-part store but they didn't have the part at that moment, but would have it by ten. I took Jeremy back to school for the Kindergarten Dads and Donuts.

While Jeremy and Leilani did crafts and had donuts, I ran to Wal-Mart to get some shopping done, then back to school to pick Jeremy up and go back to the auto-part store. I dropped him back off at school, came home and thought he'd get the truck fixed, go back to work and I'd hang out at home, make some seitan and cutlets, take a nap with Natalia and play with her. But it wasn't in the stars today. I barely got the seitan mixed when Jeremy called and said I needed to come back to pick him up again. We made two more runs to the auto-part store, then the trucks alarm went off and we couldn't get it to stop. Jeremy told me the other key fob had the button for the alarm, and could I run back home and get it? So I did, only it wasn't the right fob (in my defense, it was the only fob in the drawer). We called the insurance and went to a mechanic to see if they could fix the truck. The insurance paid for a tow truck, so we went back to school to tell them we were going to have the truck towed and that the truck would be there some time today. Then, we went back home. We turned on to the street and got a call saying that the tow truck was already there. By this time, it was a little after 2:00, so I decided we ought to just stay at school, since we'd had zero luck with trying to go anywhere else all day. But the tow truck needed us to follow her. We got to the mechanics and I dropped Jeremy off, because if I left right then, I'd get back to the school just in time to pick Leilani up. I was there with just minutes to spare.

Leilani decided that she didn't want to see me, so hid around the corner. The school counselor went and talked to her, and she came out. I told her we needed to go pick up daddy and told her all about the tow truck. She was in as bad a mood as I was, so it wasn't a particularly fun ride to get Jeremy. After we picked him up, we went home and I had to bake the seitan, and figure out a new dinner. I'd been planning on using the seitan, but since I was gone all day, I couldn't get it baked. So, today's dinner will be for tomorrow. Fortunately I had some Shepherd's Pie frozen that I could pull out and throw in the microwave and have dinner ready in 15 minutes. Of course, we blew a fuse or something, and now thde microwave isn't working.

After dinner, Leilani opened our Advent package. Homemade green finger paint to make handprint trees. Leilani's response was hilarious "Oh wow! It's green....stuff." But she and Natalia had fun putting their hands in the funny feeling paint and making Christmas trees.

The day may have gone horribly wrong, but it's ending nicely. If only this headache would go away. And tomorrow's going to be the strangest day of my life - Leilani's going to have to ride the bus because I won't have a car.

Feelings

So I'm feeling a bit depressed at the moment, and I have no idea why. Well, maybe I have a tiny idea. It might have something to do with the holidays and family and all that. Don't get me wronge, I love my girls, my husband, my life, I think it's just this time of year. I've been so excited for Christmas and this whole season, and now I feel a bit letdown. I can't shake this "blue-ness"...and I don't want it to pull anybody else down. Leilani's so excited, she wants to open presents right now, go through her stocking, do all the Advent activities at this very moment. And Natalia looks so cute, smiling, babbling, trying to crawl, learning so much, it's fun watching her and interacting with her. And me, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, I don't know what to do. I'm taking vitamins and supplements, I'm eating healthy, I'm just not sure what's wrong. It may just be a case of the holiday blues.

I wrote all that yesterday (12/3). Today (12/4), after a nearly sleepless night thinking about it all, I think I understand better what's been going on inside me. I want the cozy feelings of my childhood, when I was little and thought te world was a fnatastic place, that my parents had only my best interests at heart, that my parent's love would last through the ages, and that my family was strong and indestructable. Time has taught me differently. My mom controlled nearly every aspect of our lives, manipulated us into becoming who she wanted us to be instead of allowing us to blossom into who we were, forged me into her best friend and made me her sole confidant. No daughter should have to know the things about their mom that I know about mine. I'm sad that my once apparently strong family is now splintered - my parents are divorced; my youngest brother, sister and mom haven't talked to me in what feels like ages (and at this point, because of how they've become, I've asked them to not have anything to do with my family, but that's a whole different post); my dad is remarried; and right now, I just feel kind of alone. I'm in a new city and don't know anyone; because growing up the only option for schooling was homeschooling, I'm feeling like a failure because I enrolled my daughter in school since homeschooling wasn't working. Instead of feeling like I've made a fantastic choice for our family, I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. I know that's my mom's voice from my childhood, telling me I'm "selling out". I mean, growing up, we were supposed to be so convicted about homeschooling that we were willing to die for it. How ridiculous is that? I mean, if you're dead, then you've got absolutely zero influence over your kids, you can't teach them what's important to you, what you believe, so that they can know and make their own decisions, instead, you'd just be gone. Seems legit to me. So maybe, these last few sentences have been me convincing myself (again) that I know I made the right decision about Leilani's schooling. Then there are other things I probably shouldn't blog about, but I just don't know what to do. I have no one here to talk to....Jeremy and I talk about it, sure, but I need a girl friend, someone I can meet for coffee, cry with, all that stuff. Something I've actually never had because, growing up, family was supposed to be IT. Family was supposed to be each others' best friends, and we were trained to never open up to anyone besides mom, dad, or siblings. Growing up, I always wanted a friend, someone besides my mom, but if I said that, all hell would break lose, so I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to go to school, but whenever I mentioned it, I got the same type of response, so I quit saying that after a couple years. I don't know, I know it doesn't help that I'm exhausted from lack of sleep. All this stuff, combined with the fact that Natalia's not night-weaned, has me sort of "zombie-fied" (new word, how do you like that? lol), and I know that's contributing to my mood. I just can't seem to shake it.

Anyway, I'm going to go lay back down with Natalia (we were sort of napping when the inspiration to write hit) and see if I can't grab some zzzz's and improve my mood. This post isn't supposed to be a pity party or cry for sympathy, just a way for me to get my feelings written down, and maybe start making some sense of them.

Going to School

Yesterday was Leilani's first day at a real school. She loved it, and did pretty well, too. There were a couple mishaps were she got into the wrong line (and consequently wrong classroom), but other wise did pretty fantastic. Did I mention she loved it? She gets to play on the playground with lots of kids, has structure, and wants to get ten green tickets to get a prize out of the treasure chest, which means she's obeying and not whining. At least, as of day two, she is *smiles*.

She loves getting her backpack and lunch bag (both of which are Hello Kitty) and taking them. She loves wearing her backpack so much she wore it in the car this morning, while buckled. She loves having a say in what's going to be in her lunchbox (today it was a heart-shaped sandwich - she wants a pumpkin shaped one for tomorrow). She likes having her name on everything, too *grin*.

When she gets home, she's all tired and hungry, so she gets a snack, which makes her awfully excited, too. Today, after her snack, we put candy canes up on the tree then read a few books.

Natalia and I have had some fun bonding time, too. We've read books, played with toys, giggled and watched some Sesame Street. I also got the living room straightened and vacuumed! I got most of my Thanksgiving shopping done, I just need to grab a few things from the grocery store that the super Wal-Mart doesn't carry (like vegan cream cheese and silken tofu). I also did some Christmas shopping today - it'll be nice to actually be able to surprise Leilani this year, since she's not going shopping with me.

Today, for me, was a bit harder than yesterday. As I watched Leilani go into the school, a lump jumped up my throat. Yesterday was all excitement, today was more emotional. I think it seems more "real" today.

It'll be fun seeing how she grows, how Natalia and I do, and where life takes us. It's the beginning of a new path on our journey!

100th Post

Well, todays my 100th post here. I wanted to do something amazing and awesome for it, butt couldn’t think of anything particularly flashy, so I’m going to go through 100 highlights from my posts. Yesterday involved some drama, Leilani spilled a cup of water on me, Natalia, the floor and the computer. I didn't have any computer for the second half of the day. Fortunately, my hubby managed to fix it and I still have a computer!

Here's my list:

1. Natalia was born, a nice, healthy, eight and a half pounds.

2. I had a lovely home water birth

3. Leilani got to help catch Natalia

4. We went vegan

5. Princess “Camp” and all the crafts we did with it

6. The girls dressed up as mermaids during “camp”

7. I started cross-stitching Natalia’s birth record

8. We got to watch the helos land downtown for Marine Week

9. We stayed in a nice hotel for Marine Week

10. Because of my hubby’s position for Marine Week, we got to do all kinds of cool things – go out on the tarmac, go on the baseball field, drive places instead of having to walk there, and see the airshow from the air conditioned vehicle

11. Leilani enjoyed climbing through all the big equipment at Marine Week

12. Leilani got to play with some Marine bomb-sniffing dogs and met a police dog

13. The wreath laying ceremony at the Traveling Vietnam Wall, it was incredibly moving

14. All the new, fun foods we’ve been trying since becoming vegan

15. The fact I can go through and remember all the things I’ve been thankful for over the past months

16. That I have a record of a lot of the funny things Leilani has said

17. Seeing the fun we had on our stay-cation – Leilani loved the lake waterpark

18. Having the memories written down by the pictures, so they’re not just pictures and I don’t have to wonder what was going on there

19. We went through the submarine downtown, Natalia slept the whole time while in the Moby

20. Getting to visit Grandma Olalah.

21. The goofy rhymes Jeremy told his grandma

22. Showing off my vast book collection

23. Making dresses for Leilani and me

24. Making barefoot sandals for Natalia

25. Leilani playing in the rain and gathering flowers for us all

26. Watching Leilani at the parade on the 4th of July

27. Watching Leilani and Natalia both enjoy the fireworks that night

28. Leilani and Natalia cuddling, always super cute

29. Sharing some favorite movies with Leilani

30. Natalia starting to seriously suck her thumb.

31. Watching Food Inc

32. VBS and watching Leilani become more independent

33. Skyping with family

34. Getting loads of new diaper covers

35. Getting to take walks during VBS

36. Natalia liking her swing

37. Leilani learning so much on starfall

38. Natalia playing on her playmat

39. A Day in Pictures

40. Reviewing some thoughts from my previous blog and realizing how much I still don’t know

41. Doing loads of school with Leilani while she enjoyed it

42. Arts and Crafts with my girls

43. Making Leilanis’ sensory jar

44. Playing with my girls

45. Co-sleeping with them

46. Picking all the flowers before going to Florida

47. Dad helping us drive down to Florida

48. Getting to Florida and seeing all the family

49. Meeting cousin L for the first time

50. Watching the cousins all play together

51. Leilani learning to swim

52. Getting to spend the day with Uncle Jeff and family before he deployed

53. Natalia getting to meet Grammy Mandy

54. Cousin cuddles

55. Getting to dress all the girl cousins in matching outfits

56. Photo shoot with some of the cousins in shirts our cousin gave them

57. Sophie guest blogging

58. The cousins getting to bathe together

59. Introducing Gracie to some of Leilani’s favorite movies

60. Natalia got to try her cousins’ bassinet and Jenny Jump-up

61. Exploring new vegan foods with Sophie

62. All the baby cousins getting held by their aunties and uncles and PawPaw

63. Trying to do a Shrek marathon

64. Makin vegan Oreo truffles

65. Playing on the beach

66. Natalia’s beach blow-out…got me, the moby, and my swim suit

67. Accidentally eating some of a different blow-out. Definitely memorable

68. Leilani and Natalia watching movies together

69. Making myself use up all the food stuffs I already have so as to not waste
money

70. Being able to share my heart

71. The realtor’s visit – ugh

72. Going down to Columbus to see Uncle Dorr and family

73. Officially starting school

74. The new curriculum finally arriving

75. Natalia starting to grab everything

76. Walking and exploring

77. Finding things to help with PPD

78. Randomness

79. Leilani learning to type her name

80. Getting to read lots to both girls

81. Making cloud dough

82. Getting to dress Natalia in Leilani’s baby clothes

83. Natalia’s sensory play

84. The Yummiest Art Lesson

85. Natalia eating real foods

86. Experimenting with our school – one benefit of homeschooling

87. Leilani “reading” to Natalia

88. Finding my lesson plan book

89. Getting new running shoes and a new diaper bag

90. Going for a jog on Labor Day and Natalia loving it

91. Trying to teach Leilani to ride a bike

92. Finding out Natalia loves avocados

93. Getting to document funny things, like in this post

94. Leilani is a Sparky!

95. Using Leilani’s floppy seat for Natalia

96. Leilani writing her name by herself

97. Getting to see how much we’ve all grown

98. Leilani making a bread sculpture

99. Orders being finalized! We're heading west.

100. Getting better from our head colds - hurray for orange juice and pinterest (I found and made "vicks" diy shower discs, and they worked great!)

Honesty

I really don't know what this post is going to be about, I just know I have lots of conflicting emotions that are driving me crazy. First, I feel like I don't know how to be a parent, but maybe that feelings a good thing, since it means I don't think I'm a know-it-all and am always trying to find the way that's best for our family.

Then, I'm terrified of homeschooling, I mean, it's not that I don't think I'm smart enough, it's more that I feel completely unqualified. I found a curriculum I'm excited to try though. It's through a Christian school, and they do all the grading (yay) and keep all the records, which is good, because I want to make sure my kids have the best options at their fingertips. I have no transcripts from my highschool years because no records were kept. My brother doesn't either, which has been causing all kinds of trouble trying to get into the Navy. I don't want to do that to my kids, I love them too much. I also want to make sure they have friends and are allowed to be themselves, not someone they're "supposed" to be in order to "fit the mold" and not offend anyone. I'm not saying we're gonna go be rude, just ourselves, and if people don't like that, I don't think that's my problem. Growing up, everyones reactions were our responsibilities, and I don't think that's healthy at all.

I've been discovering more of who I actually am over the past month or so. I'm still a looonnnnggg way off, but slowly but surely, I'm getting there. My desire is to be the best mom I can to my girls, and I know I have long way to go to get there. I have loads of stuff to work through and purge, if you will, but with God's help, I'm going to make it.

Anyway, I sometimes wonder if putting the kids in school is the better option? I mean, I firmly believe, that it's not the type or method of schooling, but the level of parental involvement, that ensures academic success. I really don't know if I can take off the "mom" hat to be teacher, then remove the teacher one to be mom again. And really, I'd rather be mom than teacher, and if I can't set one aside to be the other, I'd rather stay mom.

Then, added to all that, is the fact that I still don't know when or where we're moving yet. The orders haven't been cut, so we're sitting here, packing, unsure of everything. It gets tiring after a while.

And then, Natalia has no real "schedule", it's like, each day is so different, her eating and napping has no rythym, it just happens when it happens, which makes me really dread trying to set a schedule for schooling. Some nights, Natalia's asleep by nine, other nights she's just getting started at nine and not asleep until around midnight. And Leilani's usually up by 7:30, so I'm exhausted, too. And I really didn't mean to turn this into a complaining post, I'm just confused and, I dunno, lost feeling? I can't see the forest for the trees at the moment. And then, to top it off, the landlord wants to start showing the apartment, so what am I supposed to do while that's going on? Take the girls and go where? All this has sort of added up to some post-partum depression, or maybe it's amplified because of it. Either way, I rather feel like I'm drowning at times. Well, most of the time, if I'm honest. Growing up, we used to watch this movie, called Psalty the Singing Songbook in which they went on a camping adventure, and all the kids were complaining they'd never make it to the top of the mountain. Psalty told them "you don't have to ask for the strength to get the top of the mountain, you just need to ask God for the strength for the next step" (I paraphrased), most of the time, that's all I can do, is try to take the next step. Be the best I can in the moment, knowing I'm doing my best, and not let myself beat myself up for anything. It's hard. It's not fun. But it's reality. It's what I'm dealing with on a daily basis. And if it weren't for God, and my sister-in-law, Sophie, I don't think I'd be able to make it. She's been a fantastic support, listening, being understanding, but mostly, just being there! If I can do for someone what she's doing for me, I'll feel it's been worth it.

It's not that I don't love my life, I do, we do all kinds of fun things, have fun times, and love each other. Leilani's such a beautiful little person, kind, caring, loving, gentle, sensitive, driven, intelligent, knows what she wants and will do whatever to get it; all of these are such good qualities, but sometimes make it difficult to parent. I want to nurture all of these qualities, I want her to grow into a wonderful adult, with all these qualities. But sometimes, I feel ill-equipped to deal with her spiritedness. She loves attention, too, which sometimes is difficult because of having a new baby, who also loves attention. I love both my girls, but really, I'd just like to take a bath some evening. The nighttime schedules, though, just don't cooperate. Natalia eats more at night than during the day, and during the day doesn't want to be set down. And if Leilani's awake when I take a bath, she invents a hundred reasons to NEED to come in there. Okay, that was a bit pathetic, wasn't it? At least I can watch movies while Leilani's in her bedroom and I'm trying to put Natalia to sleep, see, I can be positive *grin*. And I can get lots of reading done.

Okay, I'm done, I've probably put you in a rather down-spirited mood by now, too. The thing is, I don't always feel down, and I don't always feel sad or blue. I love storing the beautiful memories of my girls, of Natalia's little grins, funny faces (a couple nights ago, she sneezed and I said "bless you", she jumped nearly out of her skin and gave me a very quizzical look, and I dissolved into giggles) and little sounds - she's already quite the talker. And Leilani, she's so sweet to Natalia, loves holding her, and is also good at entertaining herself, and a great help. I'm really blessed in my two little girls, and I thank God for them.

A Rambling Look at My Thoughts

I know this is an old post from my previous blog back in March, but sometimes I like to revisit the past, remember where I was and see where I'm going


Warning: a bit rambly and introspective :)

I've been feeling guilty lately and have been unable to figure out why. After reading another blog, it hit me - I've been feeling guilt because of the way I was raised, that certain things were "wrong" just because they were. Such as The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, and other fantasy genre books. Also, I've been feeling guilty over the way I'm raising Leilani, and plan to raise Natalia. Now, there really is nothing wrong with the way I'm raising my child, just guilt because it's not the way I was raised so therefore it's "wrong". It's a misplaced guilt, since I'm doing nothing wrong. After all, reading Narnia to my daugher is just fine, since I'm the one reading it to her, answering all her questions and explaining things as we go. And I do think it's helping her understand God and the sacrifice He made for us. I've explained that Aslan is a picture of Jesus and the White Witch is a picture of satan. There's clear dilineation between good and evil, right and wrong. But, growing up, I was never allowed to read Narnia since it had magic, witches, fairy tale creatures and talking animals. Consequently, I've felt like a "bad mom" reading this to my four-year-old. I've also felt a bit guilty because I've let my daughter watch things my mother never would have approved of, as not being "age-appropriate". However, my daughter is rather mature, very curious, and capable of not only understanding but not being "scared" by these movies. (the movie I'm specifically thinking of here is Jesus:He Lived Among Us by Voice of the Martyrs.) The movie is animated, but deals directly with the bloodiness that surrounded Jesus' birth (ie, Herod ordered all boys 2 yrs and under killed to try to keep Jesus from taking his throne) all the way to Jesus being betrayed by Judas Iscariot (and him subsequently taking his life), the movie shows Peter cutting off the guards ear and Jesus putting it back on and healing it. Jesus is shown being beaten (it's not terribly bloody, but still there) and the crown of thorns being placed upon His head. Then the nails are shown being driven into His hand and feet. My daughter has not only NOT had nightmares from this, but I think her understanding of Jesus' life and sacrifice for our sins is heightened. Why I feel guilty about this I don't know, well, maybe I do. After all, growing up I was never allowed to watch or read things like this, therefore, by letting my daughter do so I'm being a "bad" parent, even though I'm not. Sorry for the rambling nature of this post, but I hope that it can help someone else who may be dealing with something similar :)

I later followed that post with this one:

As I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep since I can't get comfortable, thoughts started running through my head. Thoughts about God and living a truly Christian life. After all, if I believe every word in the Bible is true, why am I not living like it? Why do I sometimes ignore parts of His Word? If I truly believe the entire Bible is the inspired Word of God, how can I say that the Law is no longer relevant (not that I've said it in words, but in actions)? If I believe things in the Bible to be literal, how can I just, in a way, ignore whole books of it? After all, Jesus didn't come to abolish the Law, but to fulfill it (IE, He is the only One capable of keeping every aspect of it, that's why He is our sacrificial Lamb). After a lot of soul searching last night, I came to the conclusion that if I want to truly "walk the walk" I need to make sure that I'm taking the WHOLE of God's Word! Not just "here and there" but ALL of it!!! Obviously, I shouldn't become so focused on the Law that I lose sight of the mercy and grace that God extends to us (but nor should I become so focused on His mercy and grace that I lose sight of the Law, without the Law, we have no way of knowing that we have sinned!). His mercy and grace are apparent throughout all of Scripture, starting in the Garden of Eden when He killed the animal as a sacrifice to cover Adam and Eve's sin. Also, I must hate sin, because God is a Holy God and cannot look upon sin. This is why He gave us the Law, to show His Holiness and our need for Him. I need to make sure that when Leilani misbehaves I don't treat it lightly, but remind her that this is the reason Jesus had to come to earth to die - I do generally try to do this, but as I get tired, I sometimes let it slip, something I really cannot afford to do. God treats ALL sin as terrible, if I want my daughter to grow up to love, trust and obey God, I have to train her from NOW so that she sees WHO God is, HOW God is and desires to belong to Him. If I don't truly walk in the way of God, how can I expect her to? How can I expect her to love, trust and obey God if I'm not fully doing so? How can I hold her to a standard of behaviour when I'm not holding myself to that standard? Lately, I've not been living fully for God, but for self. I've not been as worried about Leilani's eternal soul, but about temporal comforts, which have NO lasting value. Oh, I've "gone through the motions" and everything looked good on the outside, but inside, I was far from God. Last night, He showed me this. Last night, as I couldn't sleep, I prayed. I cried out to God to help me come back to Him. God truly answers prayers!!! He forgives!!! And, He gives second (and third, fourth, fifth, etc) chances!!! He is far more merciful than I deserve, far better to me than I deserve! After all, He saved me from my sins and the second death! He gives me life here and now, that I might glorify Him. He's given me a precious trust (my daughter) to raise up for Him, which I can ONLY do with His help! I need to fully trust God, rely on Him and live ONLY for Him!

Anyway, I hope, that by revisiting the past, someone can benefit. I know it often pulls me up short and gets me back on track!

God Bless!