I've been suffering from Post-Partum Depression (PPD) since Natalia was born. Actually, looking back, I think it started before Natalia was born, making it Peri-Natal Depression, but that's far less known than PPD.
Every day is a struggle. Most days, if I've made dinner, done dishes, and kept the girls emotionally fulfilled (for the most part) I count it as a success.
Some days I can't even do that.
I've started using paper plates because I just can't keep up with the dishes.
I do keep the living room vacuumed because Natalia eats in the living room and is constantly dropping food on the floor, picking it up and eating it. So naturally, I want the floor to be clean.
I try to workout (and the other day had a great one!), but most of the time it's of the ten minute variety (better than nothing though, right?)
I make sure we have lots of variety in our diet, so I'm getting the nutrients I need. I add flax seed to my smoothies so I'm getting essential Omega-3's, which are supposed to help with depression.
But it just doesn't seem to be enough. I can't keep up with the housework. I can't keep up with dishes.
Then on top of it all, I have to make doctor's appointments (have you ever tried that with ZERO motivation?), get Leilani tested for Sensory Processing Disorder, make decisions about vaccinations, get Leilani to school, make her lunch, go grocery shopping - really, not that much to do, I just have ZERO motivation to do it.
But, and I count this as a success every day, I do it. I get Leilani to school. I make her lunch. I make appointments and decisions. I go grocery shopping. I make dinner (most nights). And some days, I don't do dishes because I only have so much energy and the energy I do have I decide would be better spent on my girls.
Sometimes, it feels like I'm at the bottom of a huge hole, so deep I can't see the top. I am trying. I'm going to talk to my doctor about medication, because exercise and diet aren't pulling me out. Just haveing a positive attitude just doesn't work, I can't shake this on my own. I think I have to get medication. I, as you've probably figured out, am not crazy about meds, but I know they have their place and can be very important and helpful.
I will continue, and I will defeat this. Whatever I need to do for my kids, so I can be here fully, I will do. If that means medication to give me the help I need to start up out of the hole, then that's what I'll do.
Showing posts with label PPD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PPD. Show all posts
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Feelings
So I'm feeling a bit depressed at the moment, and I have no idea why. Well, maybe I have a tiny idea. It might have something to do with the holidays and family and all that. Don't get me wronge, I love my girls, my husband, my life, I think it's just this time of year. I've been so excited for Christmas and this whole season, and now I feel a bit letdown. I can't shake this "blue-ness"...and I don't want it to pull anybody else down. Leilani's so excited, she wants to open presents right now, go through her stocking, do all the Advent activities at this very moment. And Natalia looks so cute, smiling, babbling, trying to crawl, learning so much, it's fun watching her and interacting with her. And me, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, I don't know what to do. I'm taking vitamins and supplements, I'm eating healthy, I'm just not sure what's wrong. It may just be a case of the holiday blues.
I wrote all that yesterday (12/3). Today (12/4), after a nearly sleepless night thinking about it all, I think I understand better what's been going on inside me. I want the cozy feelings of my childhood, when I was little and thought te world was a fnatastic place, that my parents had only my best interests at heart, that my parent's love would last through the ages, and that my family was strong and indestructable. Time has taught me differently. My mom controlled nearly every aspect of our lives, manipulated us into becoming who she wanted us to be instead of allowing us to blossom into who we were, forged me into her best friend and made me her sole confidant. No daughter should have to know the things about their mom that I know about mine. I'm sad that my once apparently strong family is now splintered - my parents are divorced; my youngest brother, sister and mom haven't talked to me in what feels like ages (and at this point, because of how they've become, I've asked them to not have anything to do with my family, but that's a whole different post); my dad is remarried; and right now, I just feel kind of alone. I'm in a new city and don't know anyone; because growing up the only option for schooling was homeschooling, I'm feeling like a failure because I enrolled my daughter in school since homeschooling wasn't working. Instead of feeling like I've made a fantastic choice for our family, I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. I know that's my mom's voice from my childhood, telling me I'm "selling out". I mean, growing up, we were supposed to be so convicted about homeschooling that we were willing to die for it. How ridiculous is that? I mean, if you're dead, then you've got absolutely zero influence over your kids, you can't teach them what's important to you, what you believe, so that they can know and make their own decisions, instead, you'd just be gone. Seems legit to me. So maybe, these last few sentences have been me convincing myself (again) that I know I made the right decision about Leilani's schooling. Then there are other things I probably shouldn't blog about, but I just don't know what to do. I have no one here to talk to....Jeremy and I talk about it, sure, but I need a girl friend, someone I can meet for coffee, cry with, all that stuff. Something I've actually never had because, growing up, family was supposed to be IT. Family was supposed to be each others' best friends, and we were trained to never open up to anyone besides mom, dad, or siblings. Growing up, I always wanted a friend, someone besides my mom, but if I said that, all hell would break lose, so I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to go to school, but whenever I mentioned it, I got the same type of response, so I quit saying that after a couple years. I don't know, I know it doesn't help that I'm exhausted from lack of sleep. All this stuff, combined with the fact that Natalia's not night-weaned, has me sort of "zombie-fied" (new word, how do you like that? lol), and I know that's contributing to my mood. I just can't seem to shake it.
Anyway, I'm going to go lay back down with Natalia (we were sort of napping when the inspiration to write hit) and see if I can't grab some zzzz's and improve my mood. This post isn't supposed to be a pity party or cry for sympathy, just a way for me to get my feelings written down, and maybe start making some sense of them.
I wrote all that yesterday (12/3). Today (12/4), after a nearly sleepless night thinking about it all, I think I understand better what's been going on inside me. I want the cozy feelings of my childhood, when I was little and thought te world was a fnatastic place, that my parents had only my best interests at heart, that my parent's love would last through the ages, and that my family was strong and indestructable. Time has taught me differently. My mom controlled nearly every aspect of our lives, manipulated us into becoming who she wanted us to be instead of allowing us to blossom into who we were, forged me into her best friend and made me her sole confidant. No daughter should have to know the things about their mom that I know about mine. I'm sad that my once apparently strong family is now splintered - my parents are divorced; my youngest brother, sister and mom haven't talked to me in what feels like ages (and at this point, because of how they've become, I've asked them to not have anything to do with my family, but that's a whole different post); my dad is remarried; and right now, I just feel kind of alone. I'm in a new city and don't know anyone; because growing up the only option for schooling was homeschooling, I'm feeling like a failure because I enrolled my daughter in school since homeschooling wasn't working. Instead of feeling like I've made a fantastic choice for our family, I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. I know that's my mom's voice from my childhood, telling me I'm "selling out". I mean, growing up, we were supposed to be so convicted about homeschooling that we were willing to die for it. How ridiculous is that? I mean, if you're dead, then you've got absolutely zero influence over your kids, you can't teach them what's important to you, what you believe, so that they can know and make their own decisions, instead, you'd just be gone. Seems legit to me. So maybe, these last few sentences have been me convincing myself (again) that I know I made the right decision about Leilani's schooling. Then there are other things I probably shouldn't blog about, but I just don't know what to do. I have no one here to talk to....Jeremy and I talk about it, sure, but I need a girl friend, someone I can meet for coffee, cry with, all that stuff. Something I've actually never had because, growing up, family was supposed to be IT. Family was supposed to be each others' best friends, and we were trained to never open up to anyone besides mom, dad, or siblings. Growing up, I always wanted a friend, someone besides my mom, but if I said that, all hell would break lose, so I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to go to school, but whenever I mentioned it, I got the same type of response, so I quit saying that after a couple years. I don't know, I know it doesn't help that I'm exhausted from lack of sleep. All this stuff, combined with the fact that Natalia's not night-weaned, has me sort of "zombie-fied" (new word, how do you like that? lol), and I know that's contributing to my mood. I just can't seem to shake it.
Anyway, I'm going to go lay back down with Natalia (we were sort of napping when the inspiration to write hit) and see if I can't grab some zzzz's and improve my mood. This post isn't supposed to be a pity party or cry for sympathy, just a way for me to get my feelings written down, and maybe start making some sense of them.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
100th Post
Well, todays my 100th post here. I wanted to do something amazing and awesome for it, butt couldn’t think of anything particularly flashy, so I’m going to go through 100 highlights from my posts. Yesterday involved some drama, Leilani spilled a cup of water on me, Natalia, the floor and the computer. I didn't have any computer for the second half of the day. Fortunately, my hubby managed to fix it and I still have a computer!
Here's my list:
1. Natalia was born, a nice, healthy, eight and a half pounds.
2. I had a lovely home water birth
3. Leilani got to help catch Natalia
4. We went vegan
5. Princess “Camp” and all the crafts we did with it
6. The girls dressed up as mermaids during “camp”
7. I started cross-stitching Natalia’s birth record
8. We got to watch the helos land downtown for Marine Week
9. We stayed in a nice hotel for Marine Week
10. Because of my hubby’s position for Marine Week, we got to do all kinds of cool things – go out on the tarmac, go on the baseball field, drive places instead of having to walk there, and see the airshow from the air conditioned vehicle
11. Leilani enjoyed climbing through all the big equipment at Marine Week
12. Leilani got to play with some Marine bomb-sniffing dogs and met a police dog
13. The wreath laying ceremony at the Traveling Vietnam Wall, it was incredibly moving
14. All the new, fun foods we’ve been trying since becoming vegan
15. The fact I can go through and remember all the things I’ve been thankful for over the past months
16. That I have a record of a lot of the funny things Leilani has said
17. Seeing the fun we had on our stay-cation – Leilani loved the lake waterpark
18. Having the memories written down by the pictures, so they’re not just pictures and I don’t have to wonder what was going on there
19. We went through the submarine downtown, Natalia slept the whole time while in the Moby
20. Getting to visit Grandma Olalah.
21. The goofy rhymes Jeremy told his grandma
22. Showing off my vast book collection
23. Making dresses for Leilani and me
24. Making barefoot sandals for Natalia
25. Leilani playing in the rain and gathering flowers for us all
26. Watching Leilani at the parade on the 4th of July
27. Watching Leilani and Natalia both enjoy the fireworks that night
28. Leilani and Natalia cuddling, always super cute
29. Sharing some favorite movies with Leilani
30. Natalia starting to seriously suck her thumb.
31. Watching Food Inc
32. VBS and watching Leilani become more independent
33. Skyping with family
34. Getting loads of new diaper covers
35. Getting to take walks during VBS
36. Natalia liking her swing
37. Leilani learning so much on starfall
38. Natalia playing on her playmat
39. A Day in Pictures
40. Reviewing some thoughts from my previous blog and realizing how much I still don’t know
41. Doing loads of school with Leilani while she enjoyed it
42. Arts and Crafts with my girls
43. Making Leilanis’ sensory jar
44. Playing with my girls
45. Co-sleeping with them
46. Picking all the flowers before going to Florida
47. Dad helping us drive down to Florida
48. Getting to Florida and seeing all the family
49. Meeting cousin L for the first time
50. Watching the cousins all play together
51. Leilani learning to swim
52. Getting to spend the day with Uncle Jeff and family before he deployed
53. Natalia getting to meet Grammy Mandy
54. Cousin cuddles
55. Getting to dress all the girl cousins in matching outfits
56. Photo shoot with some of the cousins in shirts our cousin gave them
57. Sophie guest blogging
58. The cousins getting to bathe together
59. Introducing Gracie to some of Leilani’s favorite movies
60. Natalia got to try her cousins’ bassinet and Jenny Jump-up
61. Exploring new vegan foods with Sophie
62. All the baby cousins getting held by their aunties and uncles and PawPaw
63. Trying to do a Shrek marathon
64. Makin vegan Oreo truffles
65. Playing on the beach
66. Natalia’s beach blow-out…got me, the moby, and my swim suit
67. Accidentally eating some of a different blow-out. Definitely memorable
68. Leilani and Natalia watching movies together
69. Making myself use up all the food stuffs I already have so as to not waste
money
70. Being able to share my heart
71. The realtor’s visit – ugh
72. Going down to Columbus to see Uncle Dorr and family
73. Officially starting school
74. The new curriculum finally arriving
75. Natalia starting to grab everything
76. Walking and exploring
77. Finding things to help with PPD
78. Randomness
79. Leilani learning to type her name
80. Getting to read lots to both girls
81. Making cloud dough
82. Getting to dress Natalia in Leilani’s baby clothes
83. Natalia’s sensory play
84. The Yummiest Art Lesson
85. Natalia eating real foods
86. Experimenting with our school – one benefit of homeschooling
87. Leilani “reading” to Natalia
88. Finding my lesson plan book
89. Getting new running shoes and a new diaper bag
90. Going for a jog on Labor Day and Natalia loving it
91. Trying to teach Leilani to ride a bike
92. Finding out Natalia loves avocados
93. Getting to document funny things, like in this post
94. Leilani is a Sparky!
95. Using Leilani’s floppy seat for Natalia
96. Leilani writing her name by herself
97. Getting to see how much we’ve all grown
98. Leilani making a bread sculpture
99. Orders being finalized! We're heading west.
100. Getting better from our head colds - hurray for orange juice and pinterest (I found and made "vicks" diy shower discs, and they worked great!)
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Can I Have a Do-Over?
Today looked like it was going to start off well – Natalia and I had a nice lie-in while Leilani watched movies. But then I felt a headache trying to rear its ugly head – I took some Tylenol to head it off (I don’t want to take anything harder, since I’m nursing). It seemed to help, we all had some breakfast, then Leilani and I tackled school. We butted heads quite a bit, she had absolutely NO interest in school today – AT ALL! Natalia was super clingy and fussy. All in all, not too great. I didn’t keep the best lid on my temper, either.
This evening we went to the ballgame. Thanks to MarineWeek we got a suite. There were a few Marines including my dh,plus my daughters and me, and a few other people. The Marines presented a bunch of the Indians PR with some certificates of appreciation, which was pretty cool. I must say, if I ever go to a game again, it has to be a suite. Not being much of a basrball fan, I'm sure I didn't appreciate being on the field or anything :). I kept thinking how much my sister would have LOVED to be there, on the field, at the game, in a suite...
Anyway, we got home and Leilani's exhausted, so had a complete meltdown :(.
I'd really like a do-over....anyone know how to get one? Oh, and the headache's back.
This evening we went to the ballgame. Thanks to MarineWeek we got a suite. There were a few Marines including my dh,plus my daughters and me, and a few other people. The Marines presented a bunch of the Indians PR with some certificates of appreciation, which was pretty cool. I must say, if I ever go to a game again, it has to be a suite. Not being much of a basrball fan, I'm sure I didn't appreciate being on the field or anything :). I kept thinking how much my sister would have LOVED to be there, on the field, at the game, in a suite...
Anyway, we got home and Leilani's exhausted, so had a complete meltdown :(.
I'd really like a do-over....anyone know how to get one? Oh, and the headache's back.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Late Night + Early Morning = Tired
For whatever reason, Natalia did not go to sleep until almost midnight again last night. And Leilani got up fairly early, so I did too in hopes that Natalia would wake up (she did) so we can hopefully get to bed at a decent hour tonight! She was acting tired, so took a fairly early nap. Fingers crossed for an early night! But consequently I'm feeling very bleh today.
We got all our school done by noon, so Leilani got to watch some Shrek, again. I made some yummy sandwiches for lunch - yves veggie cuisine chicken and ham, non-dairy cheese, Ezekiel 4:9 bread, vegan mayo, lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. I was trying to clean the oven, but not only would it not clean, it wouldn't unlock! It finally did, so I baked some sweet potatoes for supper.
I've been taking the fish oil (can I say blech again?), and it does seem to be making a difference. I also got a book called Color Me Vegan which will help me make sure we're eating all different colors and getting all our phytonutrients and antioxidants. Obviously, it's best to get them from foods, so that's my goal.
Natalia and Leilani played a bit. Leilani was sitting next to me and Natalia was being held by me, so we played "attack of the giant baby". Natalia doesn't have great control of her hands, so it was an almost zombie-like grab she was making towards Leilani, who would cover her face and say "I won!" They both seemed to enjoy it.
We got all our school done by noon, so Leilani got to watch some Shrek, again. I made some yummy sandwiches for lunch - yves veggie cuisine chicken and ham, non-dairy cheese, Ezekiel 4:9 bread, vegan mayo, lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers. I was trying to clean the oven, but not only would it not clean, it wouldn't unlock! It finally did, so I baked some sweet potatoes for supper.
I've been taking the fish oil (can I say blech again?), and it does seem to be making a difference. I also got a book called Color Me Vegan which will help me make sure we're eating all different colors and getting all our phytonutrients and antioxidants. Obviously, it's best to get them from foods, so that's my goal.
Natalia and Leilani played a bit. Leilani was sitting next to me and Natalia was being held by me, so we played "attack of the giant baby". Natalia doesn't have great control of her hands, so it was an almost zombie-like grab she was making towards Leilani, who would cover her face and say "I won!" They both seemed to enjoy it.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Saturday
leilani
Leilani decided she wanted to type her name, so, up above this line, there ya have it :). I really can't believe how grown up she's becoming. This morning she entertained herself while Natalia and I slept in. She watched some movies, got some food and water, played with legos and kept busy. Natalia, on the other hand slept and ate all morning.
Leilani got another package in the mail today - her flutophone case (yesterday the flutophone arrived). I figured she'd like getting her very own packages, so had them addressed to her. She really did enjoy opening them - and I had her read her name on the label so she could see they were to her :). My fish oil came today, too. We'll now see if it works. My essential oils came yesterday, so I took a bath with some of them. Nice and relaxing.
We're probably going to spend the next week cleaning and packing. We'll be going to DC for a couple weeks, then from there back to here to pack and moving to out west. And this is the main reason I'm homeschooling this year, anything else, at this point, just wouldn't be feasible!
We watched Shrek - I really think those are Leilani's favorite movies :) She sings along with nearly every song.
Jeremy's due back this evening - the flight's running a bit late thanks to mainteance issues.
Leilani decided she wanted to type her name, so, up above this line, there ya have it :). I really can't believe how grown up she's becoming. This morning she entertained herself while Natalia and I slept in. She watched some movies, got some food and water, played with legos and kept busy. Natalia, on the other hand slept and ate all morning.
Leilani got another package in the mail today - her flutophone case (yesterday the flutophone arrived). I figured she'd like getting her very own packages, so had them addressed to her. She really did enjoy opening them - and I had her read her name on the label so she could see they were to her :). My fish oil came today, too. We'll now see if it works. My essential oils came yesterday, so I took a bath with some of them. Nice and relaxing.
We're probably going to spend the next week cleaning and packing. We'll be going to DC for a couple weeks, then from there back to here to pack and moving to out west. And this is the main reason I'm homeschooling this year, anything else, at this point, just wouldn't be feasible!
We watched Shrek - I really think those are Leilani's favorite movies :) She sings along with nearly every song.
Jeremy's due back this evening - the flight's running a bit late thanks to mainteance issues.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
New Curriculum
Today we used our new curriculum. It was fantastic! Everything is scripted, which basically means I just say what's written and waalaa - lesson done. Leilani seemed to enjoy it, too. Different books for each subject, a page or two in each, actually, she enjoyed it so much, she asked for more work to do! We'll see how long that lasts *grin* I have a flutophone coming for music with Leilani.
It's been a lovely, rainy day. I must be strange, because the longer it rained, the more I felt my spirits rise. I've always loved rain though. I'm also totally ready for fall - so to get in the fall spirit I made a "Great Northern Apple Cake". The surprise ingredient? Great Northern beans. Next time, I'm going to add a touch more cinnamon, and it'll be perfect! The whole house smelled like fall while it was baking! Apples and cinnamon - does anything (besides pumpkin) scream fall more loudly?
Leilani played some Angry Birds for a while. I put the timer on and told her "when the timer beeps, then time is up and you need to stop playing." Leilani replied "I don't want time to be up, I want it to be down!"
Natalia is officially a thumb-sucker. She sucks it like it's going out of style. No matter what, she will NOT take a paci. I've given up, which was a pretty easy thing to do, since it's just so darn cute looking :). She's also grabbing EVERYTHING. She grabbed the camera and knocked it down, she reached for my drink that I barely got out of the way in time. She's grabbing hair, clothes, basically anything within reach. I can't believe how grown up she's getting already!
Last night, I got on amazon and ordered some fish oil (I know, it's anything BUT vegan). I'm hoping it will help me get rid of this PPD...I'm tired of not fully being here for my girlies, and I'm willing to do anything (except meds, since I'm breastfeeding) in order to be here for them. I want to enjoy this time in our lives and not be stressed and in a fog. It's not fair to them or me. Or my husband. I also ordered a bunch of essential oils, for mood boosting. Oh, and as a treat, I got myself some marmite. Marmite on bread = delish :).
It's been a lovely, rainy day. I must be strange, because the longer it rained, the more I felt my spirits rise. I've always loved rain though. I'm also totally ready for fall - so to get in the fall spirit I made a "Great Northern Apple Cake". The surprise ingredient? Great Northern beans. Next time, I'm going to add a touch more cinnamon, and it'll be perfect! The whole house smelled like fall while it was baking! Apples and cinnamon - does anything (besides pumpkin) scream fall more loudly?
Leilani played some Angry Birds for a while. I put the timer on and told her "when the timer beeps, then time is up and you need to stop playing." Leilani replied "I don't want time to be up, I want it to be down!"
Natalia is officially a thumb-sucker. She sucks it like it's going out of style. No matter what, she will NOT take a paci. I've given up, which was a pretty easy thing to do, since it's just so darn cute looking :). She's also grabbing EVERYTHING. She grabbed the camera and knocked it down, she reached for my drink that I barely got out of the way in time. She's grabbing hair, clothes, basically anything within reach. I can't believe how grown up she's getting already!
Last night, I got on amazon and ordered some fish oil (I know, it's anything BUT vegan). I'm hoping it will help me get rid of this PPD...I'm tired of not fully being here for my girlies, and I'm willing to do anything (except meds, since I'm breastfeeding) in order to be here for them. I want to enjoy this time in our lives and not be stressed and in a fog. It's not fair to them or me. Or my husband. I also ordered a bunch of essential oils, for mood boosting. Oh, and as a treat, I got myself some marmite. Marmite on bread = delish :).
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