Sunday, March 24, 2013

Post-Partum Depression

I've been suffering from Post-Partum Depression (PPD) since Natalia was born. Actually, looking back, I think it started before Natalia was born, making it Peri-Natal Depression, but that's far less known than PPD.

Every day is a struggle. Most days, if I've made dinner, done dishes, and kept the girls emotionally fulfilled (for the most part) I count it as a success.

Some days I can't even do that.

I've started using paper plates because I just can't keep up with the dishes.

I do keep the living room vacuumed because Natalia eats in the living room and is constantly dropping food on the floor, picking it up and eating it. So naturally, I want the floor to be clean.

I try to workout (and the other day had a great one!), but most of the time it's of the ten minute variety (better than nothing though, right?)

I make sure we have lots of variety in our diet, so I'm getting the nutrients I need. I add flax seed to my smoothies so I'm getting essential Omega-3's, which are supposed to help with depression.

But it just doesn't seem to be enough. I can't keep up with the housework. I can't keep up with dishes.

Then on top of it all, I have to make doctor's appointments (have you ever tried that with ZERO motivation?), get Leilani tested for Sensory Processing Disorder, make decisions about vaccinations, get Leilani to school, make her lunch, go grocery shopping - really, not that much to do, I just have ZERO motivation to do it.

But, and I count this as a success every day, I do it. I get Leilani to school. I make her lunch. I make appointments and decisions. I go grocery shopping. I make dinner (most nights). And some days, I don't do dishes because I only have so much energy and the energy I do have I decide would be better spent on my girls.

Sometimes, it feels like I'm at the bottom of a huge hole, so deep I can't see the top. I am trying. I'm going to talk to my doctor about medication, because exercise and diet aren't pulling me out. Just haveing a positive attitude just doesn't work, I can't shake this on my own. I think I have to get medication. I, as you've probably figured out, am not crazy about meds, but I know they have their place and can be very important and helpful.

I will continue, and I will defeat this. Whatever I need to do for my kids, so I can be here fully, I will do. If that means medication to give me the help I need to start up out of the hole, then that's what I'll do.

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