Feelings

So I'm feeling a bit depressed at the moment, and I have no idea why. Well, maybe I have a tiny idea. It might have something to do with the holidays and family and all that. Don't get me wronge, I love my girls, my husband, my life, I think it's just this time of year. I've been so excited for Christmas and this whole season, and now I feel a bit letdown. I can't shake this "blue-ness"...and I don't want it to pull anybody else down. Leilani's so excited, she wants to open presents right now, go through her stocking, do all the Advent activities at this very moment. And Natalia looks so cute, smiling, babbling, trying to crawl, learning so much, it's fun watching her and interacting with her. And me, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, I don't know what to do. I'm taking vitamins and supplements, I'm eating healthy, I'm just not sure what's wrong. It may just be a case of the holiday blues.

I wrote all that yesterday (12/3). Today (12/4), after a nearly sleepless night thinking about it all, I think I understand better what's been going on inside me. I want the cozy feelings of my childhood, when I was little and thought te world was a fnatastic place, that my parents had only my best interests at heart, that my parent's love would last through the ages, and that my family was strong and indestructable. Time has taught me differently. My mom controlled nearly every aspect of our lives, manipulated us into becoming who she wanted us to be instead of allowing us to blossom into who we were, forged me into her best friend and made me her sole confidant. No daughter should have to know the things about their mom that I know about mine. I'm sad that my once apparently strong family is now splintered - my parents are divorced; my youngest brother, sister and mom haven't talked to me in what feels like ages (and at this point, because of how they've become, I've asked them to not have anything to do with my family, but that's a whole different post); my dad is remarried; and right now, I just feel kind of alone. I'm in a new city and don't know anyone; because growing up the only option for schooling was homeschooling, I'm feeling like a failure because I enrolled my daughter in school since homeschooling wasn't working. Instead of feeling like I've made a fantastic choice for our family, I'm feeling like I'm not good enough. I know that's my mom's voice from my childhood, telling me I'm "selling out". I mean, growing up, we were supposed to be so convicted about homeschooling that we were willing to die for it. How ridiculous is that? I mean, if you're dead, then you've got absolutely zero influence over your kids, you can't teach them what's important to you, what you believe, so that they can know and make their own decisions, instead, you'd just be gone. Seems legit to me. So maybe, these last few sentences have been me convincing myself (again) that I know I made the right decision about Leilani's schooling. Then there are other things I probably shouldn't blog about, but I just don't know what to do. I have no one here to talk to....Jeremy and I talk about it, sure, but I need a girl friend, someone I can meet for coffee, cry with, all that stuff. Something I've actually never had because, growing up, family was supposed to be IT. Family was supposed to be each others' best friends, and we were trained to never open up to anyone besides mom, dad, or siblings. Growing up, I always wanted a friend, someone besides my mom, but if I said that, all hell would break lose, so I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to go to school, but whenever I mentioned it, I got the same type of response, so I quit saying that after a couple years. I don't know, I know it doesn't help that I'm exhausted from lack of sleep. All this stuff, combined with the fact that Natalia's not night-weaned, has me sort of "zombie-fied" (new word, how do you like that? lol), and I know that's contributing to my mood. I just can't seem to shake it.

Anyway, I'm going to go lay back down with Natalia (we were sort of napping when the inspiration to write hit) and see if I can't grab some zzzz's and improve my mood. This post isn't supposed to be a pity party or cry for sympathy, just a way for me to get my feelings written down, and maybe start making some sense of them.